Abuse by an Adult
It is human nature to obey those who are older than you. They are known to be wiser, and therefore are held in higher regard. You have probably grown up being taught that those who are older, should be trusted and not disagreed with, people like your parents and teachers. This is an extremely big disadvantage for those of you who are being abused by an adult. You feel that you have no power over the situation, which in a lot of ways is true, but in a lot of ways isn't. Adults are older, and therefore are intrusted with a lot more power and responsibilty. However, kids are old enough to make up their own minds too. Another factor that works against you (especially if your abuser is a relative) is that you will probably feel obliged to still love them. This is a very difficult position to be in, but if you tell yourself the truth about what's happening to you, and face the fact that they are just like every other human being, you will be able to get past it.
HOW DOES AN ADULT ABUSER BEHAVE?
Emotional abusers differ from person to person, but they all share similar "tactics". I've listed the most common ones below.
- The Actor
Most adult abusers belong on the stage. One of their first "tricks" is to keep whatever is happening behind closed doors. They do not let anyone but the person they are abusing know about it. They can become the nicest, most charming person in the world in public, but then get home and just go insane. This is one reason why it is so hard to tell people about your abuse, because everyone sees the "fake" person and can't believe that they would do something like that. - The Tone
One of the scariest things I found about being abused, is the tone that the person develops when they aren't happy with you. It sends shivers down your spine. It can make you bow over and do whatever they want, just because you know that that tone means something bad is going to happen. They can just put it on whenever they want for however long they want. Even if what they are saying would normally not scare you at all, it's just the tone they use while saying it, that scares the crap out of you. - The Screaming
This does not always occur, however it is very common. The person will just yell, about anything that doesn't go their way. It is usually used at the same time as "the tone" to scare the living daylights out of you. They will yell about anything to you, but they always turn it around and make it seem like it was your fault. - The Blame
Everything they do, they will blame on someone else, but most commonly, it will be you. Everything will be your's or someone else's fault, even if it has absolutely nothing to do with them. It will make you feel unbelievably guilty, even if you don't know why. - The Fear
This fear develops from a range of things. It's a mixture of everything they do to you. Fear is their main aim. To just make you so scared of them, that you're prepared to do anything for them without arguing. Everyone will constantly ask "why can't you just tell them what you think?". It's because of what kind of feeling it creates inside of you. Like your stomach dropping, but about 1000 times more painful. You don't know what they'll do, but you know whatever it is, it'll be bad. - The Warning Bells
This is not really a feature of the abuser, but a feature the you will develop because of that person.
Once you have been thrust into abusive situations, you will soon develop some "subconcious warning bells". These are just tiny little things that go off in the back of your head when you start to feel that something is going on. They're set off by the tiniest thing, even single words, or "the tone". Anything that is out of the ordinary will trigger them. These will end up working to your advantage however, as they start getting more and more clear and start saying "quick, quick! Get out of the building!" type thing. They act as your own little alarms that tell you when something nasty is about to go down. - The Obligation
One of the biggest weapons used against you will be obligation, especially if it is your parent. They take advantage of the fact that because they are an adult, you are supposed to look up to and obey them. If they're a parent, they use the fact that you are "supposed to love them", even when they make your life a living hell. This is extremely hard to get past, as you have to go against your basic human instincts. - The Guilt Trips
A rollercoaster. In one word. That's how I'd describe a guilt trip. They take you up, down, roll you around, everything. They make you question everything you think. They make you feel like crap. They'll use phrases like "did you ever stop to think how I was feeling about this?" to make you feel like you've done the wrong thing, and you shouldn't be thinking what you're thinking. It is usually the most effective way of getting you to do what they want without "getting mad", as they can completely twist around the conversation and make it sound like you're being unreasonable. Most people usually give in to what they want, just to take the guilt off their shoulders. - The Buyback Phase
They'll buy you presents, and gifts, and chocolates, and lollies, and toys and anything else that they know you'll like. This "phase" usually occurs right after they've had a go at you. They'll realise that you've been hurt and try and "buy back your love" with gifts. This usually works, and you'll usually start to think "oh, he's/she's really not that bad, I mean would they buy all this stuff for me if they didn't love me?" You've got to see past this, and realise that no matter how many gifts they buy you, it'll never take away all the stuff that they've put you through.
There is no real way of dealing with an adult abuser, but below are some things that I have found helpful.
IF YOU CAN'T STOP CONTACT WITH THIS PERSON (YOU LIVE WITH THEM ETC.):
- First, read the "What the Hell is Happening" and "Accepting It" section of this site. These will help clear your mind of a lot of stuff.
- Talk to someone, anyone. It'll help to clear a lot of stuff that your abuser has left you with.
- Try confronting them about it. I doubt it, but they may listen to you. If you are too scared to talk to the person face to face, try talking to them over the phone (that way you can hang up if it gets to scary) or you could email them (that way you're not blasted back with something instantly). If you are too scared, don't worry, as I have found that nothing usually changes anyway.
- Don't get sucked in to what they tell you. If it doesn't sound right, chances are that it isn't. Listen to your gut instincts.
- Listen to your warning bells. When they go off, be prepared for something to happen.
- If they start to use phrases that make you feel bad about yourself, DON'T LISTEN TO THEM. They are trying to thrust you into a guilt trip. If you can defend yourself from all the nasty things that they say, then believe me, you will be a lot happier.
- Try to ignore all their hurtful comments.
- After you have tried all these things, try standing up to them. It will be absolutely shit scary the first time and directly afterward, you may feel bad cause of what they say to you, but after that, you will feel so good. Believe me, the sense of bravery and accomplishment you get afterward will just feel fantastic. You will feel so proud of yourself. And after you do it a few times, it will get easier and easier and easier. You'll just keep feeling better and better and better!
- Read the "Helping Yourself" section on this page to find some helpful hints as to how you can feel better without getting hurt.
IF YOU MAY BE ABLE TO STOP SEEING THEM (A TEACHER, A RELATIVE OUTSIDE YOUR IMMEADIATE FAMILY ETC.)
- Tell someone about it, as they will probably be able to help you deal the situation
- If it is a teacher, see if you can change classes.
- If it is an auntie/uncle/grandparent/cousin etc. tell your parents that you don't want to see them.
- Read the "Helping Yourself" section to find out some ways of making yourself feel better without getting hurt.
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